Emaan is four months now and I must say that life as a mom these past few months has been nothing less than interesting. Yes I am constantly on call, and even though my husband is very understanding and is always willing to help out, I just can’t take it when he does things differently with Emaan. I mean, the tiniest squeal and I’m there advising him. I know it’s weird because sometimes I really want someone else to watch her for a while, but at the same time I feel guilty and feel that there is no one more capable than me to take care of her. Yes, it’s not uncommon for a mother to feel that way. However, I must admit that for my sanity I must distance my self from Emaan once in a while. In fact it is more important for her than it is for me. For example, today I was having some sort of a break down. I was upset because I didn’t have a career like my friends from high school do, and when I spoke to my husband about it he responded in a way that just broke me apart. I think he said something along the lines of, “Why are you worried about something like that?” I don’t know what I wanted to hear and I was just so frustrated. Nonetheless, even though I would never in my life take it out on my daughter, I think she sensed that I was upset and that made her very fussy. At one point I had to go to the bathroom and I left her in her play gym and she cried and cried and cried till she was completely red, which she almost NEVER does. Emaan’s a very calm and patient baby so when I heard her cry like that I thought something was seriously wrong. It wasn’t. I just wasn’t handling her right even though I was still playing with her and stuff. Her aunty came over and started playing with the same toys as I do and Emaan’s face just lit up. It hurt.
You know being a mother brings about so many different emotions. It’s such a new world. I’ve always been a deep thinker, but I have never thought about myself and about my future as deeply and intensely as I have after having Emaan. I became very upset today about being a mom and thought very low of myself. I mean most of my peers are ‘professionals.’ They all have jobs, and are climbing high in their respective fields. Me on the other hand, I’m a stay-at-home mom who makes double layered chocolate cakes, and spends her afternoon organizing the spare bedroom. I know it’s a societal thing. I know that I am very easily influenced by other people and by the norm. I just need to figure out a way to be strong enough to feel good about where I am today. I mean, I have to say that when Emaan smiles at me, and babbles when I sing to her, and when I see her dozing as I nurse her..there is no happier feeling. You know it is a lot work being a mother and a wife, but it’s so rewarding. It’s just that.. it bothers me that it isn’t recognized. It bothers me so much that a woman who becomes a doctor is so much more important to society than a woman who chooses to stay at home and establish the most fundamental infrastructure in society, her family. It bothers me so much that women who are trying to plow through professions that have been long held by men down play the role that has been so crucial in our societies. I mean, I’m not saying that it isn’t important for women to fan out and include themselves in different areas, but at the same time they really shouldn’t mock those women who choose to remain the rock that holds their family together as backward women.
